Pay college athletes? PAY ME!

There comes a time when even a stubborn Taurus like myself has to admit he was wrong, and this is one of those times.

I used to be one of these schools-should-pay-college-athletes types, but I've recently committed a turnover of sorts. With my continuing experience as a poor college student at Cal State Fullerton, I had to ask myself, "What makes these guys any more special than me?"

Sure you may be able to throw a 60 yard spiral, dunk from the free throw line or run back a 95 yard kick return, but I can write an essay that would knock your socks off, fill in every correct bubble on a scantron and bring the school's overall GPA up.

Why shouldn't I get paid?

I'm valuable to the institution.

So I got to thinking. These kids do get paid. They just send the money right back to the school, same as the rest of us.

Let's take annual tuition at USC as an example. $20,192 per semester over a four year career at USC comes out to $161,536 bucks, not to mention potential summer courses, housing, parking or books. (http://www.usc.edu/academics/classes/term_20111/tuition_and_fees.html)

Pretty lucrative deal.

"Oh, but they need some spending cash."

Oh, you want spending cash? Take a student loan like the rest of us. If you make it to the bigs, that student loan is paid off with your first signing bonus.

Oh you want some pocket change? Kick as much ass in the classroom as you do on the field and earn some grants.

Oh you want to take your girl on a date? Get a part time job at a pizza place in the offseason.

Parents can't help out with the electricity bill? Here's the website: www.fafsa.ed.gov

Or you could just keep hitting up that rich booster for another envelope laced handshake, a privilege the rest of us in academia would kill for.

And supposing you do start paying the kids, who gets what? Does USC Quarterback Matt Barkley earn more than USC Safety TJ McDonald?

Or does Barkley earn more than Colorado State Quarterback Grant Stucker?

Bottom line is I don't feel sorry for these guys. Even if their sport doesn't become a professional career, they got a 4 year education that's going to double their earning potential after college at a massive discount. (http://usgovinfo.about.com/od/censusandstatistics/a/collegepays.htm)

I have more to say, but I have to get to class.

Bravo, KFC. No, seriously. Bravo.

A polite golf clap for Kentucky Fried Chicken. They've gone and added bacon to the already over-the-top KFC Famous Bowl, just in case the original 680 calories, 280 of which are from the 31 grams of fat, and 2,390 milligrams of sodium weren't enough for you. http://www.kfc.com/nutrition/pdf/kfc_nutrition.pdf

Now, I need to make one thing clear before we go any further. This is not one of those "let's-blame-the-companies-for-the-well-documented-American-obesity-epidemic-because-we're-incapable-of-accepting-responsibility-for-our-own-round-figures" kind of posts. That would be too easy. And untrue.

In fact, it is quite the opposite. I would like to formally congratulate KFC for it's accomplishment. In a time when every company seems to be trying to establish itself as green and healthy, KFC said "Fuck that noise, we are what we are."

I'm glad the company has accepted it's true place in society and isn't trying to trick people into thinking it's is a viably healthy option. No qualms about it, the food will clog your arteries, but if you don't mind that and you have a simpleton's sense of taste, you're going to be stoked.

Honestly it's refreshing.

So take a clue McDonald's, with your "refined" McCafe line of products, and souped up new coffee house look (http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/05/09/with-new-design-mcdonalds-aims-to-be-the-new-starbucks/).

You are not refined.

You are not classy.

You are McDonald's.

You are the place over-worked, underpaid, sleep deprived, stressed out and pissed off parents take their kids to shut them up. You are the place obese gamers who never learned to cook for themselves prefer to dine.

Don't think for a second your faux-leather seats fool me. Just give it to me straight.

"Too tired to cook and completely unconcerned with your cardiovascular or digestive health? Come on down to Mcee Dee's!"

Now that would probably get me in the front door.

So one more time, way to go KFC. People will be outraged. Accusations will fly. Weight will be gained.

But at the end of the day, your line of unhealthy products displays a lot more integrity than most of your competition.

And that's reading between the lines. 

Newest Kaiser Permanente Radio Ad

<Read in a warm, motherly voice>

Here at Kaiser Permanente, we embody everything any self-respecting advertising director should have learned in college. We promote our product in a way that seems ethically responsible and fosters good feelings in you poor saps that encourage you to keep spending your money. We care. We really do. Trust me, your good health equals profit.

So do something healthy, and don't be an asshole. Being an asshole increases your stress level, which has been scientifically proven to harm your immune system. When you have a weak immune system, it makes it much more likely that we will actually have to spend the money you send us each month to make you healthy again, and the big wigs really don't like that.

Be conscious of multiculturalism. Go green. Call your mom on the phone and listen to her ramble about the latest office scandal. Tell your friends you appreciate them. Eat right. Hold the door open for strangers. Get enough fiber in your diet and above all... don't get sick.

Here at Kaiser Permanente, we want you to thrive, because it negatively affects our bottom line if you don't. So seriously people, be healthy for God's sake, so we can keep making lots and lots of money.

<Disclaimer>


This ad was paid for by people who really don't give a shit about you, or themselves or their own families for that matter. All they really care about is the paycheck and the mortgage payment. Any view expressed in this advertisement is entirely that of Kaiser Permanente. So fuck off, stay healthy and mail your payments in on time.